Friendship section

Virtual friends

Virtual friendship is all about providing support for someone in need of help from you, to help them improve their life, make them feel happier or to cope with a difficult part of their life. You may never meet the person they are supporting, they could be in a different country, or completely different to you in age, and the sort of group you live and hang out with. There are any cases of internet friendships flowering, marriages etc, but this is not the objective or the likely outcome in most cases. In many cases the person you have helped will just at some point get on with their life and forget about you, only thinking of looking you up again when something goes wrong again. You must be prepared for this.

As a virtual friend your role is to support the person, whatever they do, whatever decisions they take, however they feel about anything you offer them virtual support, understanding and to a reasonable degree love.

You should not try to make decisions for them, as in most cases you do not have all the details, see only one side presented, and can never see in respect of relationships the chemistry that underpins the harsh realities of life. You should be able to offer them options, to encourage them when they are ready and on their timescale to make decisions that they then own.

The greatest tool you have is your impartiality, you can see the greater picture, and should be able to consider the various ingredients that create everlasting happiness, while in many cases they will not be able to see beyond the topic that is causing them pain at this time. You have the choice when the time is right to help them to explore some of these areas, and to build a more fulfilling, happier life, so as to be able to cope with future problems.

While you can never feel another person’s pain, you can care, understand, and try to offer a virtual shoulder, but you should also be able to offer some other route or topic to think about when they are ready.

You cannot frog-march another to happiness on your timescale, you have to allow them to make progress on their own timescale for them to understand and own the decisions that they make. Often this will be a case of two steps forward and one back, and on occasions you may loose a lot of ground before moving forward positively again.  On occasions they may loose contact, but after some time decide to come back and try again. All you can do is be available for them when they want your support.

You have to be honest with them, don’t just echo everything they say believing that people are happier when they hear what they want to, on the other hand there is no need to be brutal, to unnecessarily challenge them, pick on the positive things, discuss funny items, and tell them of personal experiences if it helps.

You should be completely tolerant of whatever view they have and you should never be forcing your own views on them. It is not the job of a friend to sell you beliefs, religion, politics, or your country, life style or personal philosophy. Of course you can tell them how you feel about any topic, but unless they ask not labour the point. They have to know they have your permission to make their own mistakes, to live their life not become soap character for you, and that whatever they decide to do you will be there for them.

You need to support them to make their own decisions, have the confidence to take actions, and to make those first shaky steps in a direction they would like to go in. You are there as a virtual friend to hold their hand, to guide them on occasions but to provide confidence and a virtual hug when they fall over.

If you are told information in emails, this should for all time be confidential, whatever they tell you they have done or are considering doing, that is between the two of you. You must never take actins that you feel would be beneficial for them without their approval freely given, and must never disclose anything to any other person without their consent freely given. By freely given I mean you can ask them for permission but should put them under no pressure.

You cannot become involved in a relationship, the view you have is a proxy one of your online friend, they may hate their partner this week, but love them again next. If you take a position against their partner this week, you can become the enemy of both of them next, and so no longer a friend. It is wiser to focus on the positive, strengthening their ability to cope, and ability to handle whatever problem is before them.

In emails or message boards often space for a response is limited, so concentrate on those items that are most important, but when conversation is slack look back over recent material to see conversational topics that were not dealt with at the time.

If your fiend has highs and lows try when they are on a high to find a way to underpin this, to use it to add alight to them of the tunnel, so that at a low point the light ahead is still visible to them.

This site is www.Happiness.value-plus.com        A sub web of www.value-plus.com the on line University and Library site

Any comments or suggestions can be sent to happiness@value-plus.com