Friendship section

Communication

Being understood

We often take communication for granted, we speak, phone, write letters, fax, email, chat on the net or through message boards. When we speak to a person face to face we can gage their reactions, read when we are upsetting them or see when a misunderstanding is starting to occur, while less personal means of communication are prone to misunderstanding,  or causing offence when non was intended. Perhaps the tem walking on eggshells comes to mind when you are trying to talk to someone over net, briefly and on occasions in full sight of very many people.

We therefore have to consider everything we say, could it give the wrong impression, could a joke be taken as an insult, or a helpful comment taken to imply the person has no knowledge of a subject. Could a virtual action, like a kiss or hug  included in a an email be taken out of context, or could some other person reading it feel your intentions are a challenge to their own relationship with the person you are communicating with, or to that person safety. What can you read into what people say to you, could you be assuming they meant something they said  in the same context as if they were stood facing you.

If someone says they love you, how do you take this, love you as a friend, as a brother, or are they suggesting a romantic liaison, or a night of steamy passion. In most cases over the net they means as a friend, although many relationships and marriages have come about developing out of friendships created on the net. men and women may take this differently as may people of different ages or cultures. More personal remarks likewise may grow, from a throw away comment or greeting to an image of an invitation to something exciting. Similarly other reading information on a public system may take the meaning to be more intimate, and may not realize the depth of understanding reached over a time that has allowed two individuals to have the confidence to  speak in intimate terms to each other.

Then we get to the problem of age difference, something that particularly in Britain many people have got a concern about and some sections of the media have stirred up. Put bluntly, are older men conditioning younger girls in some way intending to seduce them. This would seem to present a greater risk for  men who may feel they can talk to younger people, and could have their motives mistaken than to the younger person who has been warned constantly of the theoretic dangers. Does it mater anyway if a relationship develops between two people of differing ages, if both have made the informed choice to become involved.

Identities

On the net, it is common to use a pseudonym or nick name, rather than your own name. This has a number of advantages including

• Being able to say things about yourself without others recognizing you
• Being able to say things about others
• Being able to present an independent viewpoint without people already having preconceived ideas of what you may believe
• The possibility of intimate chat, without any risk of anyone turning up on your doorstep
• Separation of business or professional interests to your own personality
• Freedom of speech where freedom may be restricted
• Equality, irrelative of sex, nationality, age, or status

However it is also common once people have come to know each other well and call each other friends for them to be more open with each other and to disclose their identities. Often therefore a close friend over the net knows more of you than your closest friends who you regularly see.

It is also quite possible to become friends with people over the net, such as princesses, actor, author or someone else who in normal life you would not be inclined to mix with. This resents particular risks to them in relation to the kiss and tell type of journalism that exists widely today, where financial incentives may encourage people to break confidences.

Disclosing identities

The question eventually arises as to how much you do trust or respect each other, and at what point you feel you can share identity information as well as personal details. This may in part depend upon the type of relationship that has developed, the amount of personal detail that has been disclosed and the perceived risk, either to you or of the other person at some point disclosing your identity to others in a public area. 

You may also have to consider if their perceived image of you is likely to be so different that the disclosure of your identity might put up a wall between you. Although at first sight, one may feel that a person would have to be extremely shallow, once they know and get on with someone, to relinquish a friendship developed just because they looked different to what they imagined or was a different age or part of a different ethnic or social group, we are all in part a product of our conditioning and upbringing. It may be that if a man felt he was talking to a 19 year old girl and then found out she was12, he would then treat her differently, likewise many other combinations could be imagined.

We may all say we are tolerant, sensible people, and we are friends with the person and not the shell that contains them, however we also have to admit we live in the real world where all types of invalid and bias views exist, some of which may effect us.

Truth

The best advice we can give is  that over the net one should either tell the truth or refuse to answer. It may be tempting to manufacture an identity, life or some details, but you are likely to forget what you said and slip up, or if you disclose your identity at some point to have to backpedal and correct misrepresentations.

Means of communication

So where do you communicate or by what means. Email is personal, as least as long as others don't get hold of them, message boards can be good to hide within, or to try out ideas. Many forms of special or temporary arrangement from home pages to emails to message boards you can set up yourself automatically delete themselves if you do not use them for a period.

Email

There are now so many sites offering free email addresses, that you either collect information from or is forwarded to your normal email, that this is now one of the most popular means. As you can if you swish set it up so that you have to go to the site to collect your email it can be confidential.

Message boards

Message boards are good for making contacts, working out who gives good advice and starting a friendship. There are however so many massage boards or messaging systems around that you may find you have to try a number before you find the one that suits you. Some are moderated and have tough rules strictly enforced, some are pre-moderated so that nothing appears that has no been checked first, while others are open and you can say what you like.

Some sites like the BBC offer a range, the majority of its 300 boards moderated strictly, teen boards pre-moderated and h2g2 discussion that are moderated, but to a more flexible set of rules, with pages you can also add information to.

Yahoo has a very large number of boards, many thousands, offering many specialist grouping and a topic that on the BBC may be on one board could be up to 10,000 groups on yahoo. yahoo is also far more unfriendly to use in that it has advertising not only on the page but annoying pop ups as well.

We would suggest that at least one message board should be a part of your daily reading so that in the event of loosing contact with someone or them having technical difficulties they can still get to you.

Specialist message boards like the ones on this site can also be set up easily.

Confidential message boards

All BBC boards are public, while yahoo can be set up to be public or private, where with the private ones you have to get permission from the board manager to have entry.

Message boards like the one on this site are in concept public, but as they can be set up, and accessed directly from the browser without putting it actually on a web site, it can be in effect private as no other people know where it is. This can be done if only one person is prepared to disclose their email address, by the shy partner forming the message board, and using the others email address within the formation information, and selecting that they get email notifications of changes. The reason this can be done is that  when a board is set up,  it displays code for it at the time on the screen of the person forming it and also emails a copy to the email address given. You just have to choose a really unusual collection of letters and numbers for its name, no coding knowledge is required and out of the page you are just looking for string that looks something like  http://amazingforums.com/forum1/JESICAMB19/forum.html  where the name of the board you selected is in the position shown in capitals here.  There are two similar strings one for adding topics and the other for getting into the message board to read it, you only need the one to read it. This example is our board on this site. to set a message board up go to  http://amazingforums.com/  you are restricted to creating one board a day.

It should be remembered that although your message  may in theory be confidential, the browser history button may display all the links to web pages you have accessed. Therefore if your computer is not secure, or you are concerned for some reason about others checking up on what you are doing, you may need to consider if you should find a method that has some sort of logging in and out arrangement. If you have a problem and need advice ask on our message board on the participating screen

The other way to get confidentiality is to have an email address that you collect mail from, this can be done directly from an email address as on this site, but you have to have direct access to the net, not via AOL or similar, and we still have to have some means to tell you confidentially the password. Anything is possible, so talk to us if you have a need not met elsewhere.

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